Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
