yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
