just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
