How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
