when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
