I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
