After last night, I could never be a politician.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
