This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
