I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
