and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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