come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
