the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
