I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
