Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
