I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
