Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
