He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
