Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize