My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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