Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
