Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
