there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize