So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
