i need an iv and a liver transplant
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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