i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
