I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You left your phone here
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