need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
