We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
