Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need to calm my uterus...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
