I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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