I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
