Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
