whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
