Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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