is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
