I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
