Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
