I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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