Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
