I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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