my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
