I just saw a hot homeless man
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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