Just fell off a train. Bad.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
