I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
