You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
