my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize