I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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