New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
