last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
