im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
