One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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