Tell her she can't have a vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
