Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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