just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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