I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
