remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
