i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
