Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
