Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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