You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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