Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize