The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
