the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
