Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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