Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
