he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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