i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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